Here I am

I'm up late...again...cuz it's time to check on the puppies. I don't usually go to bed until 11ish or later anyway, so it's easier for me to stay up than go to bed. It's late. I'm tired. Shianne isn't feeling well. Is she really sick? Does that mean we have to cancel our Harvest Moon Party tomorrow night? My washing machine apparently has a mind of its own. I now have 2 puppies in the house cuz another one is losing weight. I'm tired. I'm doubting. Am I able??

Can I really "do" 7 kids? I can. But can I "do" it well? Give them each what they need?

HE is able.

I wrote this (below) on August 29th. I'm sharing it with you so you don't think that I take this lightly (hardly). Or that I'm not grounded in what an extra large family means for all of us. Or trying to figure out what that means. And cuz I needed to read this again...

It is quite late, but I am drawn to my computer with the need to write. I'm writing this even before I've shared our news. Will I post it later or simply save it? Will I share these innermost feelings with not only you, my friends, but the world? If you're reading it now, then, yes, I did.

Last night, also late, with Brandy sleeping, I was "catching up" on some blogs that I follow. Some of friends I know, some of friends I've never met.

On my friend, Denise's blog, I find that a family from their adoption agency just lost their little girl. Ten weeks after arriving home from China, she died in her Mama's arms due to complications from heart surgery. This tore at my heart and I went to their website to check out more details.

The tears started to come...and come...and come. My imagination of course went into overtime. Could I even imagine my Jaden going to be with the Lord only a few short months after coming home? It could have happened. Jaden was listed as special needs and we considered repairable heart conditions.

Soon I was sobbing. Crying out to God. Why? Why? Why?!? I know you are all-knowing and in comparison I know nothing, but why? why? why? Please explain, Lord!

The floodgates were now open. Now I wasn't sobbing just for this family, although they still permeated my prayers. I was also sobbing for me. The stress of making the decision. The FEAR. Fear that does NOT come from God. I ranted and raved at God. "I CAN'T DO THIS!" I cried. Over and over. Inserting, and still meaning it, "Your will be done." If you say I can, then I will...but I CAN'T!!

I CAN'T be a Mom of 7! What if........this.......what if.......that? What about my marriage and the stress of kids and time? What about my SANITY?!? I CAN'T go through PAD (post-adoption depression) again. What about my kids? All 7 of them? What if I'm spread too thin and can't give them the time and energy they need?!? You have to help me through PAD. I can't go there again, I can't. No, it wasn't nearly as bad as after my bio kids, but I CAN'T! But I will if it's Your will. But remember I can't!

I was sobbing so hard my head felt like it was going to explode. My chest hurt. My sinuses were raging. Twenty minutes of this sobbing felt like hours.

Finally I told myself to calm down. This physically hurt! Deep breaths, just like I tell the kids. But I want to cry!

Finally it subsided. Again, Lord, Your will be done. "I can't" was replaced with "I will." And I was at peace.

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Yesterday we received our dossier info in the mail. Not nearly as much paperwork as China, but still overwhelming. Today I 3 punched all the paperwork and that helped the overwhelming feeling a lot. Loose papers are dangerous. Especially important loose papers. My mind always wondering if they are in place. Now...they have a home.

Part of our dossier process this time is education. New to us, this wasn't required by our last agency. But, I'm always one to research anyway so I jumped in.

A book was included along with the paperwork. A biography of a woman taking in orphans in E, Africa. This is part of our "homework."

I'm only part way into the book, but there's something about reading facts in story form versus statistics. I'm a reader, and things come alive for me this way. I just can't take it in...the conditions...the lives...the horror of so many things going on in Africa. The orphans...they're kids...they're babies.

We're so spoiled here in America!!!!!!! Myself not excluded.

I stopped reading to brush my teeth. Walking quietly, almost reverently, into the bathroom, these words came to me...

"I CAN'T NOT."

Simple. True.

I'm falling in love with these kids.

Here I am, Lord...choose me.